


Paralyzed

by Marvelicious



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 22:37:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12945510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvelicious/pseuds/Marvelicious
Summary: Tony Stark has been through so much.. and things aren't going well at all.





	Paralyzed

He looked around at the mess he had created. A metal piece here, a screwdriver there, a loaded gun here, an armor there. He sat crisscrossed in the middle of his vast yet very cramped workshop, tinkering with another part of his newest tech. 

It had been one of those nights where he couldn't sleep, where he couldn't close his eyes, _where he couldn't let his mind drift._

He kept rotating the screwdriver using his hands. He had the technology to not even do this by hand, but right now he needed to work. He needed to distract his mind, he needed to _not remember._

He sniffled softly, not even realizing he was crying. He was alone in the dark room. Alone, alone, alone. That's how Tony Stark spent his nights now. From a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist to a lonely, selfish, arrogant, and a huge fuck up.

_fuck up, fuck up, fuck up, thats what I am._

He shook his head and kept working on the latest armor, thinking of new designs, the new weapons in it, keeping his mind distracted.

A million things at once kept going through his energized brain, his head buzzing in an uncomfortable feeling which he was mostly used to by now. The buzz was better than the nightmares. At least he knew he was aware and awake during the buzz.

He worked for a few more hours in complete silence and darkness, losing track of time. He knew it was near him. He could feel it. It was so easy. It was right there and he could end it all in literally seconds. No pain, no torture.

_no torture, that sounds good._

He kept glancing at it in between his work, oh so close. He could reach it if he wanted to, but did he? How did he go from being the happiest man alive to the loneliest? Okay he was never the happiest man but he certainly wasn't the loneliest.

_that's because you fuck up, Tony. like always. you should know this by know- we've been over this plenty of times._

That's right, his mind fortunately always reminded him why. Maybe he could end it all. Tt would be very easy too. Easy on him, easy on everybody else too because really, who still wants him around. Everybody is doing fine without him anyways.

He looked at it warily, thinking it would spontaneously explode, not that he would mind if it did, or even if it could explode. He slowly put down the screwdriver and the armor, moving his hand slower than a snail and picked it up.

So light, so sleek, so _dangerous_. He sighed while staring at it. Is this it? Is this the last great defiant act of Tony Stark?

Someone once told him to not waste his life, but what is the point of it if you're already wasted? What is the point if you're done?

He gingerly picked it up, positioning it next to his forehead and felt the cool metal edge. It was weirdly soothing, calming. It dimmed down the buzzing too so that was a plus.

Unfortunately, it stopped distracting his mind, which meant everything flooded back.

Someone once told him that tony stark only fights for himself. Did he fight for himself when he flew the nuke up the wormhole? Did he fight for himself when he saved the president? Did he fight for himself when he tried to save Sokovia? Did he fight for himself when he tried to get on the right side of accountability and people's rights? Did he ever stop fighting for himself? Of course not because he was a fuck up and he only fights for himself.

He coiled his finger around the curved lever, slowly closing in on it. This was it. He took a deep breathe in and closed his eyes.

_I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am lonely and a fuck up. I am a fuck up and everybody hates me. I am a fuck up._

His thoughts chanted, not letting him rest. He exhaled slowly, letting out a shaky breath.

_I am a fuck up. I deserve nothing. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up._

He stopped at the last second, slowly opening his eyes. He could hear his heart beating in a frenzy beat on his ears. Oh god it was so loud that it could probably dim out the noise of the bang. His hands were a little shaky too now but he couldn't move them away. Not yet. Not when he was so close

_I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up._

He was paralyzed. Paralyzed in fear, paralyzed in guilt, paralyzed in self hatred, paralyzed by the world. He couldn't move no matter how much he wanted to. He couldn't stop the deafening sound of his heart beat, he couldn't close his eyes or calm down his breathing. He couldn't move his legs or even his hands, much less a muscle.

He couldn't stop his thoughts. 

_I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fuck up. I am a fu-_

The genius' thoughts, after somewhat a million years, seem to have finally stopped.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is the first time I've ever actually written something so please don't judge too hard and well leave comments and kudos :)


End file.
